Sunday, January 30, 2005

for a friend and her chance to make love live once again

among the things i deny about myself is being a romantic. i don't know, i just believe in love. and however cliche-y this maybe, at the end of the day, it is love that conquers all. even reason.

so, i offer this blog entry to my friend and to the opportunity that almost all of us are denied: the chance to make love come alive again. i am no love guru, so let me borrow extensively from my personal god, kahlil (gibran). i hope the following thoughts give her (and you) strength...

When love beckons to you follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.


Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

this is marc's version of the truth, sometime at 1:03 AM 3 comments if you can't live with it, he can.

Friday, January 28, 2005

not for the faint of mind

friday night date didn't work out. went home early.
watched a movie at atomfilms.
found one and enjoyed it. gave me fits.

http://atomfilms.shockwave.com/af/content/atom_355

derrida would be so happy with the deconstruction.
be creative and fill in the missing lines in the movie.
not for the faint of mind.

enjoy!

this is marc's version of the truth, sometime at 9:07 PM 0 comments if you can't live with it, he can.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

seeing myself in the eyes of others

coming from a developing country and living here in brussels has been a learning experience everyday. from class discussions where the professors would try (very hard) not to say the "d" word (developing) so as not to add insult to injury, to mundane things like being asked of whether we have computers in the philippines, or even amusing ones like people being surprised that i speak english, or that even i wear socks!

ok, the last one i just made up.

oh well. anyway, i was watching a documentary last night at the gay film fest about being gay in developing countries. aptly titled dangeorus living and produced by amnesty internatonal, the docu shows how living and growing up gay in developing countries can be a challenge. they showed gay people from turkey, namibia, honduras, jamaica, egypt, vietnam, and of course the philippines, in various stages of discrimination, violence and acceptance.

i went to watch the docu to see for myself how others view us gays from my country. i was not surprised that the film showed the philippines in a very good light compared to those from other countries. gays in my country have always been very much assimilated into the social fabric. discrimination may be occuring, but not in a massive scale leading to mass paranoia and bigotry. the film described how gays can be stereotyped in the philippines, as in anywhere in the world, and what groups and individuals are doing to stop it.

i believe that the real issue in the philippines is not about acceptance in society but in formalizing this acceptance into laws. gay marriage is non-existent and will never be as long as the church lobbies against it. it's good that gays are now accepted in the military and a new rape law acknowledges males as victims, too. for now, these are big achievements already.

i am happy to know that my country is making strides beyond tolerance and has gone into the direction of a more progressive acceptance. but i am sad at the same time for fellow gays in namibia and zimbabwe. hearing what their presidents had to say about us made my blood boil. at this time and age, bigots still abound.

my last blog about coming out was a real catharsis. and these people are no bigots, so heartfelt thanks are in order: to nancy for challenging me to find spirituality in coming out; to cecilia for the magic of love and being loved; and to sweet n sassy for acknowledging my courage.

spread the love!

this is marc's version of the truth, sometime at 10:27 AM 3 comments if you can't live with it, he can.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

aha!

ain't i lucky today.

just when i thought i was just going to slack out for the rest of the day, as i force myself to study how to start a pollution prevention program (whatda?!), here now is eureka! i found a bbc radio archive of the barenaked ladies performing live!

listen to the interview (the host's too much, though), and enjoy their hits! they even improvised on "one week"!

this is a goldmine!

here's the link:
http://db.bbc.co.uk/radio2/realmedia/long/barenaked.ram

you will need the realplayer program for this.

enjoy!

this is marc's version of the truth, sometime at 3:15 PM 1 comments if you can't live with it, he can.

Monday, January 24, 2005

spilling the beans and waiting for them to grow

i came out to my sister today and it went very casual.

i was busy designing this blog and answering old mails from friends, when she suddenly appears online. of course, the usual exchanges of hi-hello and catching up went on, until i suddenly decided i'm coming to her that very moment. and i did. here's how it went:

"i'm coming out to you now."

"excuse me?"

"yeah, your kuya (older brother) is gay. and you are the first one to know it in the family because i love you that much. top of the list!"

"asteeg mo, bro" (your cool)

"you're making me cry."

"go on, kuya. i don't know what to say."

"don't say anything."

"you're such a drama..."

"don't worry about me. i have never given anyone in the family any heartaches, so it won't be a problem coming out to them, i guess."

"oo nga (yup), i bet ."

"i'm just formalizing it."

"sige lang (go on do it), i'll back you up."

"oh, that's so nice to hear... give me a hug, you fuck!"

"asshole, don't cuss here."

"hahaha!"

"hahaha!"

and that was it. i spilled the beans on her. our conversation did not last long. i think she was taking her time to absorb what i just revealed to her. i let her be.

so the whole day i have just been thinking about her and how those beans of truth will grow on her on the next few days or months. it would have been nice to have talk to her personally, but what can i do? i was just so happy the other night after attending the gay film fest, being surrounded by people like me, affirming me that it's ok, that i had to come out to someone very important in my life.

i wish she takes it well, and i know she would. she's a strong girl. she's been through a lot at a very young age and has shown maturity beyond what i could imagine. i am proud of her always. i grew up taking care of her, bringing her to school, cooking her food and watching her grow. but i never really felt like a real kuya. suddenly, when she went to the same college that i went to and took the same course that i also took, it dawned on me! aha, maybe she looks up to me, no? so i had to be a kuya again. it even became a conscious effort on my part that i think i looked silly at times. ha! i hope she never noticed though.

so, there goes my coming out. one sister ok, and a whole family to go. no worries, it's all good.

this is marc's version of the truth, sometime at 10:53 PM 5 comments if you can't live with it, he can.

follow the scent

i was out again last night. it was one of those unplanned things that you do on a sunday.

my friend told me of a gay and lesbian film fest currently showing at b, and even if i was (and still am!) nursing a cold and a sore throat, hell yeah, let's go! in a jiffy, we were off.

we realized we forgot to take note of the venue in our excitement. shoot! we thought of asking people "uhm, excuse me, would you happen to know where the gay films are showing?" but decided not to. hehehe. i turned my gaydar on and followed the scent.

it was a birds-of-the-same-feather-flock-together feeling. we just followed our senses and the next thing we knew we were at the right place!

this is marc's version of the truth, sometime at 11:58 AM if you can't live with it, he can.

how to end a good nightout

i deny it, but i am a clinger. must be my memory. names would be very hard to remember, but faces and moments cling to me.

last saturday, my social calendar was full. an after lunch date at the city center to meet a new friend celebrating her birthday. dinner with kindred souls. nightout with classmates. all in all, i had a great time.

then the clinging hits me. it clings to me on my way back to my room. my heart keeps thumping to the last beat i was dancing to. flashes of moments of how the day and night went about stream my mind. while in the metro, i close my eyes, bask in the feeling and catch myself swaying.

i say my prayers. sleep comes, sometimes harder than the usual. but it comes.
i smile and close my eyes. tomorrow will be another day.

this is marc's version of the truth, sometime at 11:36 AM 0 comments if you can't live with it, he can.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

shoulda woulda coulda

was it julius ceasar who said "veni, vedi, vici" when he conquered a new place?

well, if he did, i think he meant "shoulda woulda coulda."

you can ever really own a place. i came to belgium. saw it's sights. and conquered it's bars. but there's still more to this place.

i'm just being smart-alecky tonight.

hehehe

this is marc's version of the truth, sometime at 6:19 PM 0 comments if you can't live with it, he can.

i went out to date and met myself along the way

i went out for a date and i had been stressing myself for a week before that fateful night.

my hair's too short. nope, it's too long. fuck this pimple, why now?! scrub. no! let it heal? no time. the date's this saturday! where's my body shop blemish concealer?!

looking back at that week made me realize a few things about my self. one, that my hair is never really too long nor too short. it's just the way it is. two, i always have pimples! and three, i never own a body shop blemish concealer. and three, everything else is illusion.

i borrow the last line from carol king's song.

when i met this guy i dated in the web, he was all cute and charming. his pic made me drool. gawd! i can marry him instantly!

hell yeah. met him. dined with him. goodbye.

he was all shabby! not that i'm not shabby myself, but isn't it that we prepare ourselves when we date out? i'm not conservative, but isn't putting your best foot (and self) forward essential in dating? i prepared myself for this date and here i am meeting someone so unkempt and so into himself! and he liked whiskey!

ha! must be me and my romantic visions of dates and how it should go.

so, eventually it was me who i met that night. another moment to learn something about myself. proves that i am not yet desperate to get my fair share of lay.


this is marc's version of the truth, sometime at 6:08 PM 0 comments if you can't live with it, he can.

Monday, January 03, 2005

new year thoughts over belgian beer and chocolates

this is a little bit late, i know, for sharing with you my thoughts on christmas and the new Year, so forgive me. I have just recently gathered my wits after much (okay, not that much) isolation from the world i used to know.

it was the first christmas and new year that i have spent in a different country away from my family and friends, people who are constant staples in the most memorable banquets in my mind, especially in the season most filipinos would rather not spend alone.

i have been having this itch to grunt about staying by myself for the holidays when i could have travelled and see how people on this side of the globe celebrate the season. but, wisdom aside, i decided to embrace the aloneness to test my endurance. and i lived! as one classmate here told me in a recent email, a thing that doesn't kill you makes you stronger. i am alive to tell the tale. it's now my badge. and whether i'll call it an honorable badge is still worth contemplating.

spending time alone has given me the opportunity to think about things that i usually shrug off when everything else is about me and my work. like what's most important to me. like my family. like my friends. my teachers.

this reminds me of what my fave reading is on nights that i tend to wax sentimental thoughts. i go back and bask in the thoughts of my personal god, kahlil gibran (i call him kahlil, i'm on a first name basis with this guy, heheh). kahlil says that our appreciation for people important to us is clearer in their absence "as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain." enough said.

from where i am now, you are all dearly missed. i very much appreciate how you have affected my life, this past year most of all. i have always valued the most life's lessons that i learn when i'm with, and now, without you. each lesson is unique, as unique as every person in my life.

i look back to all the blessings that i have received and you are definitely one of them.

to you and to your family, my fervent wish is more love and laughter in the new year! God bless us all as always...

bear hugs.

PS> not that i did not party here! hello. i did. took swigs of beer and wine (not a good combination, trust me) and danced till my muscles ached. :)


"For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill? Seek him always with hours to live." Kahlil Gibran

this is marc's version of the truth, sometime at 11:36 AM 0 comments if you can't live with it, he can.