spilling the beans and waiting for them to grow
i came out to my sister today and it went very casual.
i was busy designing this blog and answering old mails from friends, when she suddenly appears online. of course, the usual exchanges of hi-hello and catching up went on, until i suddenly decided i'm coming to her that very moment. and i did. here's how it went:
"i'm coming out to you now."
"excuse me?"
"yeah, your kuya (older brother) is gay. and you are the first one to know it in the family because i love you that much. top of the list!"
"asteeg mo, bro" (your cool)
"you're making me cry."
"go on, kuya. i don't know what to say."
"don't say anything."
"you're such a drama..."
"don't worry about me. i have never given anyone in the family any heartaches, so it won't be a problem coming out to them, i guess."
"oo nga (yup), i bet ."
"i'm just formalizing it."
"sige lang (go on do it), i'll back you up."
"oh, that's so nice to hear... give me a hug, you fuck!"
"asshole, don't cuss here."
"hahaha!"
"hahaha!"
and that was it. i spilled the beans on her. our conversation did not last long. i think she was taking her time to absorb what i just revealed to her. i let her be.
so the whole day i have just been thinking about her and how those beans of truth will grow on her on the next few days or months. it would have been nice to have talk to her personally, but what can i do? i was just so happy the other night after attending the gay film fest, being surrounded by people like me, affirming me that it's ok, that i had to come out to someone very important in my life.
i wish she takes it well, and i know she would. she's a strong girl. she's been through a lot at a very young age and has shown maturity beyond what i could imagine. i am proud of her always. i grew up taking care of her, bringing her to school, cooking her food and watching her grow. but i never really felt like a real kuya. suddenly, when she went to the same college that i went to and took the same course that i also took, it dawned on me! aha, maybe she looks up to me, no? so i had to be a kuya again. it even became a conscious effort on my part that i think i looked silly at times. ha! i hope she never noticed though.
so, there goes my coming out. one sister ok, and a whole family to go. no worries, it's all good.
this is marc's version of the truth, sometime at 10:53 PM
if you can't live with it, he can.
5 Comments
for NANCY: thank you very much for the message. yes she is, and my heart is filled with gladness. i wish you well. btw, i came by your blog. have you come across "the spirituality of imperfection"? it's a good book (a little into the AA). can add your blog as a link in mine?
for NANCY: it would be nice to write about it! why not do it, nancy? write a book about it! in the next few months i will be exploring that spirituality as i come out to my family. will post them as they unravel! thanks!
When you look up to someone, it already doesn't matter what or who you are because *you* have already left that indelible mark in them. More so when you love them and are loved back.
I'm so happy for you that you finally found the courage to "come out". At the end of the day, it shouldn't really matter to your loved ones but I understand that you did it for *yourself*. Way to go!
You have a fine lady of a little sister. You did a great job raising her, my friend. You should, indeed, be proud. :)
Marc---I just came by from Cecilia's. Congratulations on coming out...a very major step you have taken with the most important people in your life, your family. I have a nephew who is gay and I still remember I had to approach him instead of him feeling he could come to me about his choice. I understand and know why he did as he did for few in our family accept his choice but I love him for he is the same beautiful person nothing has changed. It took courage for what you did but know it was the right thing and you will be happier and more free to enjoy life now. Good luck.
www.alwaysvictoria@bellsouth.net
for Sweet N Sassy: it has been a wonderful experience ever since i wrote that blog, with people like you sharing positive messages. thank you very much. this is a process i know, and as you said, it really took much courage to do. how can i blogroll you?
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